A limit is only a limit if you can enforce it

When parents set limits we usually set them verbally then are frustrated when our child does not follow through, even though "we've told them a hundred times. When strangers see the child being "defiant" they often say some cliche like "that child needs boundaries" and the parent of the child is frustrated thinking "I set limits, they mean nothing! My child just doesn't listen. "
So.....What is a limit?

A limit is only a limit if you can & will enforce it!

Now do not confuse this as punishment or unnatural consequences, but guidance. 

Now how do you enforce the limit, while keeping a healthy emotional relationship?

Understand toddler brain development that gets in the way of "listening"

1. Memory of the past and ability to apply memories to the present is extremely weak during the toddler years 

2. Between 18-24 months children are developing a sense of self, they identify themselves as a separate person. With this development comes pride,shame, and embarrassment. 

3. Although they understand they are a separate person they do not understand other peoples thoughts are different than their own and will not begin to comprehend this until at least four years.

4. Their frontal brain has not myleinated which controls self-regulation and the limbic system which is the emotional center is extremely active. Meaning unregulated extreme motions will show up. 

5. Understand since their brain is still myleinating processing communication is slower, give them time to react.

Prevent the behavior from happening

"I wont let you... & I don't want you to..."

•  Block your child's access to something you do not want them to touch with your body
• If they are hitting,biting, or throwing: block the hit, bite, or throw
• If you weren't able to block the behavior you would say "I dont want you to.. or I want you to..." & if you are blocking it in time you would say "I wont, I can't let you..., or I am not going to let you.."

Model how to handle delicate items

"I want you to hold it with two hands & I want you to be gentle please it is delicate"

• Allow them to hold the object from their standing or sitting height
• Model and hand them the object when they hold it with two hands
• Model how to set the object down using two hands
• Be within arms length 
• If you will be upset if the object will break don't allow them to touch it, put it away from reach

Remove the object from the child

"I see you are having a hard time... I am going to put the object away right now/you may use..."

• Acknowledge they are having a hard time
• This can be done through redirection to a different item that is safer or meets their need
• This can also be done by picking up the item and putting it out of reach/sight. Tell them before you do and why (because you see they are overwhelmed or having a hard time)
• If redirection does not help, you will remove the object
• If you are going to pick them up or hold their hand tell them before you do and why (because you see they are overwhelmed or having a hard time)

Remove them from the situation

"I see you are having a hard time..., I am going to pick you up/lets go.."

• Acknowledge they are having a hard time
• Help them by removing them from the situation
• This can be done through redirection to a different area that is safer or meets their need, by holding hands, them walking, but usually at this is done by picking them up
• If redirection,holding hands, and them walking does not work, you will pick them up
• If you are going to pick them up or hold their hand tell them before you do and why (because you see they are overwhelmed or having a hard time)

Do's & Dont's

Do be within arms reach of your child when verbally setting a limit and make eye contact if they are comfortable with eye contact

Don't tell your child to do things from afar 

Do ask or tell your child something once and wait ten Mississippi's in your head to allow them to process the information (unless preventing the behavior) 

Don't ask 5 times in a row not allowing them time to process

Do enforce the limit  after telling and allowing 10 Mississippi's (unless something will be damaged or hurt)

Don't  verbally threaten the consequence in the hopes of manipulating the behavior, this is not a limit

Do prevent the action from happening

Don't just set a verbal limit, passively watch the offense then shame or punish them 

Do acknowledge something broke,spilled, or a mess was made and say "lets clean it up" offer them a tool (if it is not something dangerous) and do it together (Knowing you will most likely do the majority of the work) in a matter of fact way

Don't shame or  punish your child because you were not there to set and enforce a limit.

Don't shame or punish  your child if you allowed them to handle something delicate and it breaks

Note you can not set limits on your child's feelings , you as a parent need to be their safe person. This means allowing your child to express their feelings while helping them learn their feelings. "You are crying, are you sad? Did you not like how I said...and that mad you sad?"