Have you ever felt your child was being sassy or bossy? They are calling you mean, telling you what to do, or "talking back" to you. Are they hitting, yelling, or doing the opposite of what you say? Maybe these actions and words do not phase you but another does, and you react physiologically. Our children know us better than anyone because they have watched us since they were born, our return to their faces/coos drove them to talk and engage. During the beginning stages of attachment they started social referencing to see if something is desired by their adult. This social referencing doesn't stop but it is now paired with a growing sense of self. This mind is growing so fast in emotions and physical growth but self control and planning is not quite there. A milestone that all toddlers will reach is opposition behavior, they are asserting themselves as their own person,witnessing your changing reactions, and then repeat the experiment to try to figure out why.
Let it go
It may be best to let it go if the behavior is developmental,you are too overwhelmed to respond calmly, you did not catch it in time, or it relates to the child's feelings or words.
You may let the behavior ride the course until you are better able to respond. For instance if your child threw a non dangerous material because you did not respond earlier it may be best to walk over and say (note you will most likely do most of the picking up) " Hmm there is ... on the floor lets pick it up, I don't want us to step on it." In the instance of Sass simply respond with words for instance if your child calls you mean you could just say " you are allowed to feel that way" or "it sounds like you are mad" then move on or discuss why they feel this way. For bossiness and telling you what to do you could simply say "no thank you" or "I want to..." For example if a child tells you sit down and you do not want to you can just say "no thank you, I want to sit."
Really, let it go
After the behavior has happened let it go, you do not need to lecture or do a huge teaching moment. If you could not handle it in the moment simply model or say the behavior you want once, if they are distressed you can acknowledge their strong feelings.Acknowledgment should not be a teaching moment it should be you helping your child through a hard time.
Then move on!
All words are just concepts and sounds, a swear word is not a swear word unless it is given power by the receiver. The same goes for our children's unwanted behaviors we are the ones who give them power.
What can we do with this knowledge?
Self-Reflection
Self-reflection may be needed for the behavior or words, things to be mindful of:
1. Am I taking a very assertive tone (using a stern voice), taking toys/objects (grabbing objects or toys if they took it first), hitting (spanking) , throwing (the remote or jacket etc) , or speaking in a sassy tone to my child or others (saying no or what you do not want often)?
2. Am I not responding to my child until they escalate to these behaviors? If you are not giving attention until they escalate a child will take negative attention over no attention.
*Note Children tend to do more extreme versions of our behavior, tone, and words so being mindful is very important
*Note Children tend to do more extreme versions of our behavior, tone, and words so being mindful is very important
Don't just put on a poker face, breathe and slow down
Even if you are not yelling your baby can read your face and body language. To ensure you do not react:
Even if you are not yelling your baby can read your face and body language. To ensure you do not react:
- Pause
- Physically breathe
- Exhale
- Respond with what you want, or setting a limit
React neutrally to undesired behaviors
When you scream no and start waving your fingers while getting super close to your toddler they are thinking" whoa, how do I get them to do that again?" Anytime your voice changes to an extreme and our body language does a sudden change children will investigate. Speak calmly in your normal voice, tell your child what you want, look your child in the eye while being calm, then be there for a hug and clarification "those we some strong emotions."Let it go
It may be best to let it go if the behavior is developmental,you are too overwhelmed to respond calmly, you did not catch it in time, or it relates to the child's feelings or words.
You may let the behavior ride the course until you are better able to respond. For instance if your child threw a non dangerous material because you did not respond earlier it may be best to walk over and say (note you will most likely do most of the picking up) " Hmm there is ... on the floor lets pick it up, I don't want us to step on it." In the instance of Sass simply respond with words for instance if your child calls you mean you could just say " you are allowed to feel that way" or "it sounds like you are mad" then move on or discuss why they feel this way. For bossiness and telling you what to do you could simply say "no thank you" or "I want to..." For example if a child tells you sit down and you do not want to you can just say "no thank you, I want to sit."
Really, let it go
After the behavior has happened let it go, you do not need to lecture or do a huge teaching moment. If you could not handle it in the moment simply model or say the behavior you want once, if they are distressed you can acknowledge their strong feelings.Acknowledgment should not be a teaching moment it should be you helping your child through a hard time.
Then move on!
Keep in perspective the majority of the behaviors you will encounter at this age is developmental and will go away with brain growth.The most lasting and substantial gift you will be giving your child will be come from your self-regulation and acceptance of tough feelings. An adult dis-regulating consistently during these tough times can lead a child to interpret dis-regulation to be the normal way to handle conflicts which can harm their relationships.
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