One of biggest causes of punishment is a lack of perceived respect, but what is respect? Respect is subjective for instance is your idea of respect the same as your partner, child's teacher, your parents, or people from different cultures? It is also worth considering if your child has understood theory of mind? Theory of mind is the concept that others have different thoughts than your own, here is an experiment people use to test for it. Understanding another person's perception of respect may be out of your child's abilities depending on age.Q: Does this mean you just let life go by without concern for others feelings?
A: Nope, that would not prepare them for success in their environment. What this information means you need to guide your child while their brain is developing.Understand that social learning schemas such as when to talk, run, and manners take time like any learning schema. Just like you use baby steps for your child to learn science (exploring nature vs quantum physics) you must use baby steps for your child to understand abstract social concepts. Social concepts are hard since it is subjective to whom the child is interacting with and where they are. Baby steps include not using abstract words like manners or respect but guiding your child through individual behaviors that encompass respect or manners.
How to introduce your child to social concepts?
Model & wait
This is probably the most powerful tool you have. Your are your child's model of manners and respect if you do not display these characteristics to others and your child consistently how can you expect your child to do so. Your actions and words in everyday interactions need to tell your child this is truly important.
So if you want your child to:
Say please...........You say please
Say thank you......You say thank you
Greet people........You greet others
Speak quietly.......You whisper/speak quietly
Use their words....You use your words
Use the sidewalk..You use the sidewalk
Hold things carefully...You hold things carefully
Clean ............................You clean
Then wait until your child turns these behaviors to their own
Offer words without correcting your child
When our child says "dog go" we say "yes, the dog is walking" or when the child says "pasghetti" we say "yes, we are eating spaghetti." By modeling the proper sentence structure or pronunciation we are modeling proper language without telling the child you are wrong. With manners you can do the same as long as you can say it calmly.
EX:
So when your child says......................You can say
"Daddy, milk!"..................................."Do you want milk please?"
"No, milk!"...................................."It sounds like your saying, no thank you?"
You simply incorporate the words in your clarification but do not request the child to repeat it.
Explain with direct language
Tell your child what you want when a behavior comes up as matter of fact. Each time your child is exposed to this they will incorporate it in their social schema as their brain develops. Respect is an abstract concept but "I need you to walk, the floor is slippery" is concrete and relevant to your child in this moment.
Ex:
"I need to to whisper now"
"I need you to walk, we are by a street"
" I am going to pick up this toy, I don't like toys on the floor" (Montessori floor mats can help here)
"I am going to broom, I like the floor clean"
" I am done with the computer, I am going to put it away now"
"Lets put your... on the shelf so we can find it later"
"I want you to use gentle touch"
"This is delicate, hold it with two hands"
"If you want to eat, I need you to sit down"
Use two options and first/then statements
Offering options reduce power struggles and teaches your child pro-social problem solving. It incorporates your child into the choice encouraging cooperation which is needed for respect or manners.
Ex:
"Do you want me to hold you or do you want to walk?"
"First you wash your hands, then we eat"
"First we put .... on the shelf, then we grab...."
"First I am going to say hi to our family, Then we can go outside to play"
"First you eat, then you may play"
"Do you want to do it your self or do you want me to do it?"
Acknowledge their perspective paired with what you need
When you acknowledge their perspective you are encouraging emotional intelligence. Telling your child what you need models a healthy relationship where you openly set your needs and limits preventing resentment for the other person not reading your mind. When your child understands relationship boundaries and is emotionally intelligent they strengthen the empathy needed for understanding the importance of manners/ respect.
EX:
"It looks like you want to run, I need you to walk now"
" You felt like hitting, I need you to use gently touch"
.....Then accept any feelings, while blocking harm to people/objects
Remember respond do not react, and move on. Social learning needs guidance not Punishment.
Read A limit is only A limit if you can enforce it, to combine effective limits with these techniques
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