Learning mindset
Avoid: Fixed learning mindset
A fixed learning mindset is the thought that skill/intelligence in a subject is limited. This is harmful since a child thinking they are just bad at something will not invest effort or time in improving. This ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy as the child creates a mental block preventing them from fully trying. The child withhold your effort to protect themselves from failure.
A fixed learning mindset is the thought that skill/intelligence in a subject is limited. This is harmful since a child thinking they are just bad at something will not invest effort or time in improving. This ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy as the child creates a mental block preventing them from fully trying. The child withhold your effort to protect themselves from failure.
Promote: Growth learning mindset
A growth learning mindset is one where the child believes their accomplishments are not due to their innate ability but the effort they put in. In effect when the child meets a challenge they are more likely to invest more of themselves to improve or overcome the challenge.
You can promote a growth learning mindset from Babyhood:
1. Describe your child's efforts instead of evaluating the finished project.
2. Allow your child to fail in play, art, and everyday interactions. When they do fail allow them to find a solution or work together to find a solution. The emphasis should be on the process rather than the product for all learning.
3. Be present and empathetic when your child shows frustration while working on a skill allow them to struggle when age appropriate (unless they are distressed).
4. Allow your child to discover the uses of items instead of you dictating the use.
5. Avoid saying you are so smart when your child accomplishes something. When being smart is associated with success what will your child think if they do not easily succeed?
Perspective of Failure
Avoid: fear of failure
When a child fears failure they avoid doing new activities/situations or may internalize their feelings when they do fail. The child may tie their self-esteem to the failures and see failure as an end point instead of an attempt to work upon.
Promote: A solution seeking outlook
When a child has a solution seeking outlook they do not take failure as an end point but rather an attempt. They are able to analyze the situation and find a way to fix it, improve it, or move on. Children need time and practice to create this outlook through adult help
You can promote this outlook by:
1. Not solving your child's social problems from as young as babyhood but rather being close, describing the situation, asking both parties leading or open ended questions, and offering solutions.
2. Avoid punishment, punishment is a parent created outcome that causes intentional discomfort when a child fails to control their physical self and/or emotions.
3. Find solutions to mistakes for example if your child spills water simply get a towel and clean it up together.
4. When your child encounters a mistake, describe the situation and offer a solution while doing the least amount of help possible.
5. Promote your child's emotional literacy by acknowledging their feelings and providing a name for them.
Goodness
Avoid: Good child, Bad child
When a child is labeled a bad child they do not feel good about themselves and are more likely to do unwanted behaviors. The people who hear this label are also biased to the child's behavior and will perceive any unwanted behavior as worst than it is. A child called good for doing a wanted behavior may then feel shame when they do an unwanted behavior.
When you label your child as bad you treat your child as the enemy. There are only two outcomes to this. One where your child becomes your enemy or two when your child becomes your victim. Both of these outcomes harm the foundation of your parent/child relationship.
When a child is labeled a bad child they do not feel good about themselves and are more likely to do unwanted behaviors. The people who hear this label are also biased to the child's behavior and will perceive any unwanted behavior as worst than it is. A child called good for doing a wanted behavior may then feel shame when they do an unwanted behavior.
When you label your child as bad you treat your child as the enemy. There are only two outcomes to this. One where your child becomes your enemy or two when your child becomes your victim. Both of these outcomes harm the foundation of your parent/child relationship.
Promote: Your child's behavior does not define their "goodness"
When a child does not define their "goodness" by their actions they are more likely to move on from a unwanted behavior and move to fix that relationship or situation. In relation to other children when they grow up the understanding of a unwanted behavior not defining goodness can promote empathy, problem-solving, and a child who helps others. As your child ages they can connect their actions to their emotions to promote self-control and mindfulness.
You can promote your child's view of "goodness" not being linked to behavior by:
1. Avoid labeling children
2. Respond to unwanted behaviors as neutral and move on from them
3. Identify and talk about others feelings including your own
4. Be aware of when your child is hungry, thirsty, tired, and overstimulated so you can prevent strong feelings linked to these states
5. Do not attempt to use labels to manipulate your child into an action like good/bad child or big kid vs baby.
6. Try to observe the behavior (what happens before, during, & after) to find any triggers you can adjust to prevent any unwanted behaviors
7. Check out your child's schedule to see if they need to adjust sleep times, add more active/quiet times, or need more consistency.
8.Understand when your child is "acting up" they are having a hard time controlling themselves and that is scary for them. They need empathy from their trusted person.
9. Avoiding comparing your child to other children
When a child does not define their "goodness" by their actions they are more likely to move on from a unwanted behavior and move to fix that relationship or situation. In relation to other children when they grow up the understanding of a unwanted behavior not defining goodness can promote empathy, problem-solving, and a child who helps others. As your child ages they can connect their actions to their emotions to promote self-control and mindfulness.
You can promote your child's view of "goodness" not being linked to behavior by:
1. Avoid labeling children
2. Respond to unwanted behaviors as neutral and move on from them
3. Identify and talk about others feelings including your own
4. Be aware of when your child is hungry, thirsty, tired, and overstimulated so you can prevent strong feelings linked to these states
5. Do not attempt to use labels to manipulate your child into an action like good/bad child or big kid vs baby.
6. Try to observe the behavior (what happens before, during, & after) to find any triggers you can adjust to prevent any unwanted behaviors
7. Check out your child's schedule to see if they need to adjust sleep times, add more active/quiet times, or need more consistency.
8.Understand when your child is "acting up" they are having a hard time controlling themselves and that is scary for them. They need empathy from their trusted person.
9. Avoiding comparing your child to other children
Eating
Avoid: Distrust of ones' appetite and unhealthy relationship with food
When your child distrusts ones appetite or has an unhealthy relationship as food they may prioritize "unhealthy" food as more rare and wanted. They may overeat to clear their plate or binge eat.
Promote: Food as a fuel source and control over ones' food intake
When a child sees food as a food source and know they control their intake they are more likely to eat until they are full and stop. They are less likely to finish a plate after they are full and are OK with refusing food. The "unhealthy" food is not seen as scarce so they are less likely to binge on it.
You can promote food as a fuel source and feelings of control over ones' food intake by:
1. Avoiding labeling food as unhealthy or healthy
2. Offer the foods you want them to eat
3. Letting your child choose how much and what to eat
4. Letting your child choose when they are done eating
5. Avoiding offering/buying foods you do not want them to eat
6. Following the same healthy principles you want your children to follow. They learn from your actions not words.
7. Avoiding treating "unhealthy" food as a treat
8. Talking to your child when older abut how they feel after eating different foods
9. Talking to your child about how food giving them the energy to play,think, and grow
10. Avoiding food as a distraction or to prevent feelings
11. Avoiding the concept of kids food in relation to palate
Avoid: Distrust of ones' appetite and unhealthy relationship with food
When your child distrusts ones appetite or has an unhealthy relationship as food they may prioritize "unhealthy" food as more rare and wanted. They may overeat to clear their plate or binge eat.
Promote: Food as a fuel source and control over ones' food intake
When a child sees food as a food source and know they control their intake they are more likely to eat until they are full and stop. They are less likely to finish a plate after they are full and are OK with refusing food. The "unhealthy" food is not seen as scarce so they are less likely to binge on it.
You can promote food as a fuel source and feelings of control over ones' food intake by:
1. Avoiding labeling food as unhealthy or healthy
2. Offer the foods you want them to eat
3. Letting your child choose how much and what to eat
4. Letting your child choose when they are done eating
5. Avoiding offering/buying foods you do not want them to eat
6. Following the same healthy principles you want your children to follow. They learn from your actions not words.
7. Avoiding treating "unhealthy" food as a treat
8. Talking to your child when older abut how they feel after eating different foods
9. Talking to your child about how food giving them the energy to play,think, and grow
10. Avoiding food as a distraction or to prevent feelings
11. Avoiding the concept of kids food in relation to palate
Body concept
Avoid: A distrust in ones bodily ability
When A child does not trust their body they may fear trying new skills or they may go beyond their limits possibly causing harm. Children learn to trust their bodies when they understand their bodies are natural and have a purpose.
Promote: Trusting ones' bodily limits
When a child trusts their own limits they usually will stay in a safe zone. For instance they may not crawl off or jump off somewhere they feel unsafe or go beyond a circle of safety from the parent. Parents should always be close to catch or support the child if needed.
You can promote a trust in ones body:
1. Do not aimlessly say careful to your child.
2. Do give your child specific instructions to play safely in that moment.
3. Avoid putting your infant/toddler in areas they can not get to on their own safely.
4. Be there to catch or support your child when they are doing an age appropriate challenge.
5. Allow your child freedom of movement when away from safety hazards like roads, streets, cars, or open bodies of water.
Avoid: A distrust in ones bodily ability
When A child does not trust their body they may fear trying new skills or they may go beyond their limits possibly causing harm. Children learn to trust their bodies when they understand their bodies are natural and have a purpose.
Promote: Trusting ones' bodily limits
When a child trusts their own limits they usually will stay in a safe zone. For instance they may not crawl off or jump off somewhere they feel unsafe or go beyond a circle of safety from the parent. Parents should always be close to catch or support the child if needed.
You can promote a trust in ones body:
1. Do not aimlessly say careful to your child.
2. Do give your child specific instructions to play safely in that moment.
3. Avoid putting your infant/toddler in areas they can not get to on their own safely.
4. Be there to catch or support your child when they are doing an age appropriate challenge.
5. Allow your child freedom of movement when away from safety hazards like roads, streets, cars, or open bodies of water.
6. If your child falls do not project your fear, but ask them if they are OK, observe for harm, and soothe if they show they need soothing
7. Do not label anything related to the body as icky or any negative play, even if "playing"
8. Do use proper terms for body parts or processes
9. Do not tell your child they are OK, that is for them to decide only
7. Do not label anything related to the body as icky or any negative play, even if "playing"
8. Do use proper terms for body parts or processes
9. Do not tell your child they are OK, that is for them to decide only
Feelings
Avoid: Fighting to not feel ones' feelings
Children should not be told how to feel or have their feelings controlled. When not allowed to feel/express their feelings they may develop a fear their feelings that prevents them from tackling problems. They may not understand how their feelings affect their actions and words. This may lead to internalizing their emotions or externalizing them through disruptive behaviors. The child may trouble developing emotional regulation skills.
Promote: The acceptance of all feelings
Children need to learn all feelings are natural and be free to express them. When they can do this they can then learn to identify their feelings in relation to their behavior or environments. They can then develop emotional regulation skills to help them experience the uncomfortable emotions and situations in a mindful, pro-social way.
You can promote the acceptance of all feelings by:
1. Not trying to stop your child when they are angry or sad
2. Acknowledge their feelings and give them the words for them: "you are crying, are you mad because you wanted the cookie now?"
3. Provide empathy:"I know it can be frustrating to wait"
4. Hold space: Be present with your child as they work through their feelings
5.Offer comfort, don't force it: offer to hold, rub your child's back, or a solution. If they reject it do not force it
6. Do not tell your child to stop crying or other expression
7. If the expression is intruding on others: block hitting, ensure the environment is safe, or remove from the area (tell your child what your are doing "I am going to pick you up, I need to keep your body safe)
8. Do not tell your child they are OK when they are showing you they are not through their words or body/facial movements
9.Do not tell your child they are faking their emotions
10. Even if a child is "fake crying" they are communicating a need
11. Do not lose your sense of calm when your child experiences strong emotions, when you lose your calm you are showing your child their emotions are strong and scary
What all these mindsets add up to....
Self-esteem
Avoid: Fighting to not feel ones' feelings
Children should not be told how to feel or have their feelings controlled. When not allowed to feel/express their feelings they may develop a fear their feelings that prevents them from tackling problems. They may not understand how their feelings affect their actions and words. This may lead to internalizing their emotions or externalizing them through disruptive behaviors. The child may trouble developing emotional regulation skills.
Promote: The acceptance of all feelings
Children need to learn all feelings are natural and be free to express them. When they can do this they can then learn to identify their feelings in relation to their behavior or environments. They can then develop emotional regulation skills to help them experience the uncomfortable emotions and situations in a mindful, pro-social way.
You can promote the acceptance of all feelings by:
1. Not trying to stop your child when they are angry or sad
2. Acknowledge their feelings and give them the words for them: "you are crying, are you mad because you wanted the cookie now?"
3. Provide empathy:"I know it can be frustrating to wait"
4. Hold space: Be present with your child as they work through their feelings
5.Offer comfort, don't force it: offer to hold, rub your child's back, or a solution. If they reject it do not force it
6. Do not tell your child to stop crying or other expression
7. If the expression is intruding on others: block hitting, ensure the environment is safe, or remove from the area (tell your child what your are doing "I am going to pick you up, I need to keep your body safe)
8. Do not tell your child they are OK when they are showing you they are not through their words or body/facial movements
9.Do not tell your child they are faking their emotions
10. Even if a child is "fake crying" they are communicating a need
11. Do not lose your sense of calm when your child experiences strong emotions, when you lose your calm you are showing your child their emotions are strong and scary
What all these mindsets add up to....
Self-esteem
Self-esteem is the intrinsic view of a person's sense of self. Self-esteem can be affected by a person's confidence in their ability to accomplish goals, overcome obstacles, manage emotions, and maintain healthy relationships. The harmful mindsets listed can affect your child's self-esteem. If you reflect upon your self you may notice these mindsets affecting your life. You can allow your child to develop their own self esteem by promoting helpful mindsets and avoiding harmful ones.
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