Tell your child what you want

Parenting, where things usually do not go as plan including communication.
You may feel like your child never listens to you, they laugh when you say no, or that you have to punish them so they learn. This problem occurs because children's brains are still myleinating so messages take longer to process and their self-regulation part of the brain will not be fully developed until young adulthood.To complicate manners the parent-child dyadic can become hostile if power struggles become a characteristic of the relationship.

Words to avoid & why?

"Don't run, no jumping, stop touching the TV"

1. Your child hears RUN, JUMP, and TOUCH TV

2. Your child sees you are flustered, its different and possibly funny

3.Your child is confused. Children learn through schemas...

•    outside vs inside, floor vs couch, and TV vs toys are concepts they may not yet understand as different. They may be confused why standing on the couch makes you mad but not the ground. 

4. Children can associate no, don't, and stop with power struggles

5. Children may feel insecure in their parental relationship when they feel fear towards a parent (ex parent yelling or parent punishing) or the consequences are unnatural causing more unwanted behaviors

How can I help my child?

The most important factors are you modeling emotional regulation by speaking calmly and never threatening your child

Tell your child what you want or need & why

When you tell your child what you want they are able to process the request faster. This is because children usually focus on the last few words (walk, hold hands, sit down,gentle etc.) vs focusing on what you don't want(run) then trying to figure out what you do want. The number one reason for relationships dissatisfaction in family, friends, work, and love is unmet expectations. You are modeling effective communication of of relationship expectations. By telling them why you are helping them distinguish why rules may be different between for ex. floor vs couch.
1." I want you to walk, the floor is slippery"
2. "I need to hold your hand, we are next to cars"
3. "Sit down, please. The chair is wobbly and you can fall"
4. "I want you to be gentle, the cup is delicate"
5. "You may play.... instead"
6." Put the cup on the table, it is delicate"
7." Use two hands, It can break if it falls"
Pair your words with gestures or signs

Pairing your words with gestures helps reinforce the your verbal meaning. It also helps your child understand you visually when they are to overwhelmed to understand you verbally.

1. Walk:You can use the baby sign for walk
2. Hold hands:When you say "I need to hold your hand", slowly and gently hold their hand
3.. Sit down: put hands side by side, palms facing down, and lower both hands at the same time. You can also slowly pat the surface you want them to sit.
4. Gentle touch:Model gentle touch by saying "gentle" while stroking their arm or yours. If you are asking them to be gentle with a material show them how while saying I want you to be gentle. Ex if they threw an item say "I want you to be gentle with..." (while modeling how to set it down on the floor. )
5. You may:If you want a child to only color on the paper or do not want them to touch something  gently block the area with your hand and gesture towards an accepted alternative
6. Put down:When asking a child to put something down gently/slowly pat the are you want it put
down on.
7. Use two hands:  Gesture by pretending to hold a cup with your two hands
If the behavior continues or escalates

• Recognize your child is having a hard time and needs your help to stop the behavior
• Remove the object or child from the situation, tell your child before you remove an object or them from the situation 
• This should not be done as a punishment but as guiding your child out of a situation they cannot handle now,  do not say this unless you are going to do it

Ex "It looks like you are having a hard time with..., I am going to pick you up"  

• read guiding your child through emotions 

What if I need to say no?
Ask yourself
1.Am I able to speak calmly? 

• If not, try to take a deep breathe before speaking if there is no immediate danger

2 Will the behavior harm someone or something?

• If it will not, ask yourself why you want this behavior to stop

3. Who wants this?

•  Tell you child YOU are the one who wants the behavior to stop and what you do want.The reason you say "I" not "we" or other terms is this is meant to be an honest conversation about your relationship limits. 

4.Has the behavior already happened or can you prevent it?

• If it already occurred tell your child you "I don't want you to..."  
• If if has not happened tell your child "I won't let you..." 

5. Follow with what you do want

• "I don't want you to hit, I want you to be gentle" (model gentle touch with your other hand)

6.How will you stop the action,without punishing or threatening?

• Gently blocking the action or area

7.If the action continues or escalates

• Recognize your child is having a hard time and needs your help to stop the behavior
• Remove the object or child from the situation, tell your child before you remove an object or them from the situation 
• This should not be done as a punishment but as guiding your child out of a situation they cannot handle now,  do not say this unless you are going to do it

 Ex "It looks like you are having a hard time with..., I am going to pick you up"  

• Read guiding your child through emotions